Surely You Joust
by Titan5
Summary: John takes up a new sport, one he's not particularly fond of.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters.

**Author's Note: **You can blame this one on Baroqy, who gave me the original idea and then made several very cool suggestions, which were then incorporated. I hope you enjoy, because John didn't.

SURELY YOU JOUST

"You want me to what?" John asked the rotund little man sitting across from him, his eyes going wide.

Akash, the leader of the small town, merely laughed at John's obvious distress. "It is our custom that anyone we open new negotiations with during the third lunar cycle must participate in the Festival of Tapati, specifically in the games of the end days. We are now in the time of Seema. You must face the opponents of the council's choosing to be worthy of our trade."

"We are unfamiliar with this game. Is it dangerous?" asked Teyla, her brow creased slightly with concern.

Akash shook his head. "Oh no, not really. Many come away with the common bumps and bruises, but it is rare for anyone to be seriously harmed."

John perked up at the comment. "Rare? How rare?"

Akash chuckled and John decided the man's jovial nature was beginning to wear on his nerves. "Not to worry colonel. A soldier such as yourself will catch on quickly."

They were sitting around a table in the equivalent of the town meeting hall. John looked through the window behind Akash to the ruins beyond. The entire city was built around the old buildings in the hopes that the ancient magic would protect them. The current residents didn't really believe in magic any more, but they still respected the old structures as being worth protecting.

"Energy readings, colonel," goaded Rodney from his left.

Akash nodded. "Yes, if we decide you are worthy of trade, you may have open access to the ruins. We do ask that you not take anything without permission, but you may study it as long as you wish and we may be open to trading for anything of value you find inside. Our people cannot make anything in there work."

"Look, I still don't understand this Seema thing," said John, trying hard not to whine.

"That is no problem. They should be preparing in the field by now. Come and I will show you."

John nodded as he stood. "Good, now we're getting somewhere." He followed Akash out the door, with his team close behind him. Rodney quickly pulled up beside him and elbowed him sharply in the ribs as they passed the ruins.

"Think ZPM, colonel."

John gasped and pulled back, rubbing his side as he glared at Rodney. "McKay! You try that again and Ronon will have to carry you back to the gate."

"No way I'm gonna carry him," Ronon grumbled from behind them.

Rodney frowned. "Well, thanks for that," he shot over his shoulder.

"What are friends for?" returned Ronon, grinning at Teyla, who was grimacing as she shook her head.

They walked quietly behind Akash for several minutes, passing several houses before following a dirt road out of town. John glanced at Rodney. "So, what are the chances this actually is a ZPM?"

Rodney grinned with a "thought you'd never ask" look on his face. "Pretty good actually. If it is, it's powered down, but the reading looks right for one. And I just have this feeling."

John sighed as they came to the edge of a large grassy field. "I was afraid of that." They walked up to stand beside Akash, each of them registering their surprise at the activity before them.

"You have _got _to be kidding me," whispered John.

There were several very large animals with thick brown fur. The back was straight like a horse, but the long neck and the shape of the head was more like that of a camel. They had long, sturdy legs and a short tail that constantly swished. Some of the animals were tied to posts scattered around the edge of the field and some were being ridden by men of the town.

The men were wearing what looked like crude armor plates and helmets and carrying long sticks resembling lances. Some of them were also carrying shields.

"Jousting? You want me to joust?" John's mouth hung open and his heart was beginning to race as he watched a pair of the men riding toward each other, apparently in a warm up run.

"You have something similar? We call it Seema. The opponents face one another while riding hasteens. They try to knock the other competitor off his animal with the daru."

John instinctively rubbed his chest. "McKay, I don't care if there is a ZPM in that building, I'm not getting killed in a jousting match for it."

"No, no!" said Akash hurriedly, not wanting his visitors to think ill of their ways. "No one is killed. The end of the daru has been blunted for the participants' protection. You may receive bruises from falling from the hasteen, but you will not be killed."

"I thought you liked crazy, extreme sports," encouraged Rodney. "You do rock climbing and skiing and skateboarding and all that other stuff. It'll be good to add a new skill."

John rolled his head around to face Rodney. "Yes, because I have a real need to add jousting experience to my resume."

"Hey, you never know."

"And then there's always the likelihood of breaking my neck when I get knocked off that . . . whatever it is." Now that he was contemplating getting knocked off one, John was noticing how really tall the animals were. Yeah, that was going to hurt.

"Hasteen," filled in Akash. "They are common animals for work and riding, very gentle and easy to train."

"Yeah, and freakin' huge," commented John sourly.

"So where are you hiding that optimistic streak we usually have to suffer with. This would actually be a good time to bring it out," said Rodney. When John made a face at him, he just grinned and reminded the team leader, "ZPM."

John sighed and shook his head, looking forlornly back at the practicing men. "There's no way out of this?"

Akash seemed surprised that anyone would ask such a question, but at least he wasn't offended. "Not if you want to trade."

John stood silently for a few seconds. "Okay, what do I do?"

Akash slapped the colonel on the back so hard, the pilot stumbled forward. "Very good, Colonel Sheppard. I'm sure you will enjoy the experience. Come and I will show you where to get your armor."

John turned to Rodney before leaving. "We so better get a ZPM out of this."

oOo

Ronon, Teyla, and Rodney were beginning to get bored. Akash had escorted John into one of several tents set up at the perimeter of the field, leaving the rest of the team to wait. They had watched men practicing their skills, both alone and in pairs, but had quickly tired of it.

"So what are they doing, training him for the Olympics?" grumbled Rodney. He turned around with the intent of going to find John when Akash walked out of the tent they had disappeared into ages ago. He was accompanied by a tall man in strange armor. A helmet covered most of his head, with only a small gap for the eyes, nose, and mouth. A large plate of metal was secured to his torso, with smaller curved plates covering the front of his upper arms and upper legs. The man walked awkwardly, obviously not used to the weight or bulkiness of the armor. When the two men stopped in front of the Atlantis team, Rodney burst into laughter.

Teyla didn't understand at first, but realization dawned on her when she saw the flash of the iron-clad man's eyes. "John?"

At Teyla's question, Ronon suddenly took interest, walking closer and peering at the small exposed area of the man's face. "Sheppard?" He couldn't help the grin that began working its way across his face.

"Colonel, did you bring a can opener? You may need one before this is all over," cracked Rodney, laughing at his own joke.

"You're dead, McKay," growled John, taking a step toward Rodney. Teyla stepped forward, blocking John's advancement.

"John, you know he is only joking."

"_This _is not funny."

Ronon chuckled at that comment. "I'm sorry Sheppard, but yes it is."

John huffed loudly from within the metal plates entombing his body. "Oh, thanks guys. Thanks for all the support. Any of _you_ want to get your butt kicked in my place?"

They all shook their head, afraid of trying to speak for fear they would burst out in laughter and make the situation worse.

Akash looked confused at the whole affair and so chose to ignore the strange antics of his visitors. "Come, Colonel Sheppard and I will show you the hasteen they have selected for you and tell you of your opponents."

"I don't get paid enough for this," John muttered as Akash led him away, the armor clanking as he lumbered along. This was not going to be a good day.

The trio watched as John was led over to one of the animals and helped with the mounting process. It took several minutes since the animal was tall and the pilot was having trouble moving in the heavy metal suit. They noticed that most of the town had apparently shown up for the ritual and lined either side of a long, narrow corridor that had been cordoned off. They made their way over to find a place where they could see.

Several minutes later, John's hasteen was led to one end of the long dirt path and another rider was led to the other end. Each held a shield in one hand and a long pole with a blunt, capped end in the other.

"Good people of Darshan, it is time for the games of Seema." All attention turned to Akash as he stood on a platform on the opposite side of the run from the Lanteans. "As we have been offered trade from these strangers, their leader is willing to put forth the challenge to our best champions in order to prove their worthiness. Colonel John Sheppard will now compete with our own Naraka. Let the game begin when the players are ready."

Naraka made the first move, spurring his animal forward down the run. John quickly followed suit, his riding obviously more awkward and the animal unfamiliar. As the two animals flew past one another, there was a loud dinging noise and a cloud of dust arose with the cheers of the crowd. Teyla, Rodney, and Ronon coughed and swept their hands through the air, trying to see what had happened.

As the dust settled, they realized John was lying flat on his back in the middle of the run. They quickly ducked under the rope and ran over to find him lying there looking at the sky.

"Sheppard, you okay?" asked Ronon.

"Not really. Can we leave now?"

Rodney sighed and shook his head. "No, we can't leave. ZPM, remember. Did that fall scramble your brains?" Rodney held out his hand, but John just slapped it.

"I hate you."

While his teammates snickered, John looked up at the hasteen, who had moved over to start sniffing his leg. "What are you looking at?"

The animal stopped sniffing, as if considering what his rider had said and then propelled a big wad of thick, green spit across John's chest and head, with several small droplets making it through the opening to hit him in the face. The foul, putrid smell hit him almost immediately.

"Oh, gross, that was nasty," whined Rodney. "Who knew those things could spit like that?"

Ronon laughed out loud, a low, rumbling sound. "He doesn't seem to like you, Sheppard."

John grimaced as he worked his hand between the metal plates partially blocking his face in an attempt to wipe the goo from his cheek. "You think?" How could this day get any worse?

oOo

Elizabeth walked out of her office at the sound of the gate alarm.

"Incoming wormhole," said the tech. "Colonel Sheppard's IDC."

Elizabeth nodded and walked over to the railing overlooking the gateroom. She watched as Ronon, Teyla, and Rodney came through the gate side by side, their laughter echoing around the room. She smiled, surmising they must have had a successful mission, and began down the stairs. She was almost to the bottom of the steps when John stepped through the gate.

"Shut it down!" he called loudly, frustration and anger in his voice.

Elizabeth snapped her head up, confused and worried at the contrast between the demeanor of her second in command and that of his team. It was then that she noticed that he was limping and he was filthy. His hair was clumped and standing up even more than normal, dust coating it almost like he'd had it frosted. Dirt had combined with sweat to make trails of dried mud on his face, neck, and arms and seemed to coat most of his clothes. She raised an eyebrow at the sight of some kind of dented metal plating covering his torso. He wore a less than friendly scowl and she began to see a small amounts of blood mixed with the mud on his arms and hands. Without saying a word, he turned and began walking stiffly out of the gateroom as his team stood smirking from the edge.

"John? Wait. What happened?" asked Elizabeth as she carefully approached him, trying not to stare at his tattered sleeves.

John stopped and hesitated, as if considering whether he would wait on her or continue out of the room. His shoulders slumping, he turned to face her.

"We have a deal with the people of Darshan to trade. I need a shower." He tried to leave again, but Elizabeth grabbed his forearm, causing him to wince.

"Sorry. John, what happened? How did you get . . . like this? And what are you wearing?" Elizabeth suddenly grimaced and waved her hand in front of her face. "And what is that smell?"

John sighed, glaring at the three teammates now joining him and Elizabeth. "It's a long story and I'm really tired."

Rodney grinned, rocking between his heels and toes. "Sir Sheppard here defended the fair Atlantis like a true knight in shining armor." Teyla and Ronon snickered, having been fully informed about knights and jousting during the day on the planet.

"Shut up, McKay. There was nothing shiny about those hunks of metal they called armor."

Elizabeth raised one eyebrow at Rodney. "_Sir _Sheppard? I take it there's a story there."

"It was their Festival of Tapati and the colonel was required to take part in their games if we were to trade with them. Dr. McKay was detecting an energy reading he believed was a ZPM from the ruins in the city, so the colonel was compelled to agree," explained Teyla.

"He had to joust against their best people," said Rodney.

Elizabeth turned to look at John, noting the way he slouched to one side, looking very uncomfortable. "Jousting?"

John nodded glumly. "Yeah, but they called it something else. Lotsa fun. You should try it sometime," he said sarcastically.

Now Elizabeth was grinning. "Maybe I should have gone on this trip. I would love to have seen that. So, how'd you do?"

John glared at her. "How do you think I did? These people have been doing this for years and I could barely figure out how to ride that stupid horse-camel. I got my butt kicked . . . several times." John grimaced as he stretched to his left, rubbing his lower back as he did so.

"You knocked the last two off their animals," said Ronon.

John gave a small, fake laugh. "Yeah, right. One was, like ninety, and the other was a kid who probably wasn't old enough to drink. I think they felt sorry for me by that point."

Elizabeth hesitated a little. "So, uh, how many times did you, uh . . . "

"Hit the dust? Splatter himself across the ground? Dive in the dirt? Ten," filled in Rodney.

"McKay," John warned. "You're already on thin ice with me. Because of you, I spent the morning getting slam dunked into the dirt, spit on by those giant lummoxes, and laughed at. The real fun was when it started raining. You haven't lived until you've had the crap knocked out of you while soaking wet and stuck in an ill-fitting tin can. Then I spent all afternoon sitting in those ruins getting so stiff I can barely walk, still wet and stuck in said tin can. And what do we have to show for all this misery? Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

Rodney's grin diminished as he watched John making small grimaces every time he moved. "You know, colonel, those hasteen things were pretty big to fall off of that many times, although that backwards flip you did once or twice was quite nice. Maybe you should see Carson."

John stared at Rodney for a few seconds. He opened his mouth as though to speak and then closed it, shaking his head. Turning, he began slowly and stiffly limping out of the gateroom. This time Elizabeth just watched him go. When he was out of sight, she turned back to the others.

"Was the energy reading not a ZPM?"

Rodney tilted his head a little and gave a single nod. "Oh it was a ZPM all right, but it was almost depleted. I thought maybe it was just powered down, but in fact it was almost dead. We just left it there."

"Did we get anything of value for all John's apparent suffering?" she asked.

"Yeah, they fed us lunch, which the colonel declined to eat. Something about having already eaten plenty of dirt so that he wasn't hungry. They have some great vegetables and nuts they are willing to trade, now that we have been deemed worthy. We offered some medical supplies, which they seemed very interested in."

Elizabeth nodded. "I'll send Carson back with you to make the final deal. He can better assess what they need." She stood thoughtfully for a moment. "Jousting, huh? I really would like to have seen that."

Rodney snapped his fingers and tossed his head back. "Oh, if only I'd taken a camera. I would have blackmail or harassment material for the next year. What a lost opportunity. Guess I'll just have to settle for verbal assaults."

Ronon snorted. "Since Sheppard did all that based on your word we would get a ZPM, you might want to lay off while you're still in one piece. He won't be stiff and limping for more than a few days."

Rodney laughed and waved his hand dismissively before pausing and sobering his expression. "You may have something there." After a few moments, he relaxed. "I'll laugh and tell stories tonight and then take him breakfast in the morning as a peace offering. He won't be able to move by then."

Elizabeth smiled and shook her head. "So, is he really stuck in that thing?"

Rodney's head snapped up and his eyes widened. "Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Apparently the armor was a bit snug for him. Most of the men of the town were kind of short. They give the visitor the extra and left over pieces that aren't in too good a shape since they only use it for the one day. Anyway, after all that rain and then baking in the sun for a while after the weather cleared up, the hinge things on the side locked up. We'll probably have to cut it off him, which means I'd better go round up that can opener I told him he'd need so Carson can get to him."

Elizabeth sighed and nodded. "Sounds like a good idea. John looked like he was ready to drop and I'm sure he'd appreciate being out of that contraption if he's been locked up in it all day. It doesn't look very comfortable."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "I guess not since we've listened to him whine about it all afternoon."

Teyla's back stiffened and she arched one eyebrow as she turned to Rodney. "John did not whine about it all afternoon. He merely said he couldn't find a comfortable position when you asked him why he kept moving around and annoying you."

Ronon nodded in agreement. "I'm thinking the complaining would have been a lot louder if it had been you trapped in that thing."

Rodney snorted. "Hello, claustrophobic. You would never have gotten me into that thing in the first place."

"Then perhaps you should be more empathetic to the colonel's discomfort," said Teyla smoothly, a warning smile gracing her face.

Rodney nodded. "Yeah . . . I see your point. But remember, you guys have been laughing all day too," he said defensively. He turned back to Elizabeth. "Guess I'm off to find an appropriate can opener so we can free the shining knight of Atlantis. Or in his case, maybe the stinking knight of Atlantis."

"Rodney!" said Elizabeth and Teyla at the same time, while Ronon snickered in the background.

oOo

Elizabeth had just closed the last file of the night when her radio crackled to life.

"_Elizabeth, it's Carson. You said to let you know when I was finished with the colonel."_

Elizabeth smiled as she tapped the button to respond. "Yes, Carson, how is he?"

"_I sent him to his quarters to get some rest. He's got a few minor injuries, but nothing serious, lots of bruises and sore muscles, a few scratches. He strained some muscles in his back and has a mild sprain of his left wrist, so I've given him some pain medication for those. I told him he was off duty for two days and then I'd move him to light duty for a few days until he's recovered."_

"Thanks, Carson. I think I may drop by to check on him."

"_If you do, you might take him a bite to eat. I mentioned him needing to eat, but he's having a hard time moving around, so I doubt he'll go down to the mess hall. He's bruised his hip something fierce as well, and that and his back are making it hard to walk."_

"No problem, I'll grab him a turkey sandwich or something. Thanks, Carson."

Twenty minutes later, Elizabeth knocked on John's door. She was just about to knock again when it opened, revealing John standing on the other side. His hair was still damp from the shower and going everywhere. Now that the dirt was gone, she could see a large purple bruise forming on the right side of his face. He was wearing sweat pants and no shirt, a towel draped around his neck. Scratches and bruises mottled both arms and a large bruise on his lower right side dipped down below the waistband of his pants. His left wrist was wrapped and he held it close to his body as if protecting it.

"Elizabeth." He stepped back to allow her in and she walked over to the small table to set down the tray she was carrying.

"I see they got you out of your armor. I brought you some food. Carson said you were probably too tired to get your own and Rodney said you didn't eat lunch."

"I was never so glad to get anything off as that hunk of junk." John walked over to his dresser and pulled out a faded t-shirt, grunting as he pulled it over his head. "What'd you bring?" he asked as he limped over to the table.

"Turkey sandwich, pudding, and an apple."

"Thanks, I'm starved." John's stomach growled loudly as he sat down.

Elizabeth grinned. "Apparently." She sat across from him and watched him bite off the end of the sandwich, making a low moaning noise of approval as he chewed. "Wow, you really were hungry."

"You have no idea," he said when he had swallowed.

"Jousting? You really did that?" Elizabeth couldn't keep the disbelief from her voice.

John's hands stopped halfway to his mouth and he set the sandwich back down on the tray, frowning. "I think King Arthur just turned over in his grave because I'm relatively sure you couldn't call what I was doing jousting. To be perfectly honest, I had a hard enough time just staying on that camel-headed horse long enough for someone to knock me off." He picked his sandwich back up and resumed eating while Elizabeth chuckled.

"It wasn't really that bad was it?"

John looked at her for a moment. "Elizabeth, I'd rather fight a Wraith than do that again."

Elizabeth's eyes widened. "Really?"

He looked at his plate for a moment, picking at the crumbs. "No. But it's close. I'm pretty sure there's not one square inch of me that doesn't ache, throb, or just down right hurt. My back is killing me, which means no getting comfortable for a few days. And I'm pretty sure that's the most humiliated and inept I've felt in . . . well, maybe ever."

"That's too bad, I was all ready to dub thee Sir Sheppard, the knight and protector of Atlantis."

John snorted, glaring at her for a moment. "Just for that, I'm not sharing my pudding."

Elizabeth smiled, relaxed in the knowledge that her top team, her friends, had returned relatively unharmed from their mission and that they would be safe for a few more days. She cherished the days not spent waiting on their return, praying that none of them would be seriously hurt or worse. It seemed like she spent too much time doing just that.

"Penny for your thoughts."

Elizabeth focused on the figure across from her. "What?"

John grinned. "Hey, I'm the one that just took painkillers. It should be me getting goofy, not you." As if on cue, he stifled a yawn.

"Sorry, guess I was just thinking about how nice it would be not to worry about you four for a few days."

John's expression sobered. "Do you do that a lot . . . worry?"

Elizabeth swallowed and looked down at her hands. "More than I should probably. But I won't for a few days. I should go and let you get into bed before you pass out."

John yawned again. "Maybe you're right. I think that stuff is starting to kick in. Guess you get the pudding after all."

Elizabeth stood. "No, I'll leave it. You might get up hungry later. Come on and I'll tuck you in."

John looked at her quizzically. "I'm not used to my boss tucking me in. Aren't you afraid of what the masses will say?" John went to stand, groaning and standing hunched over for a moment, holding onto the back of the chair for support.

Elizabeth took him by the arm and gently eased him toward the bed. "No, I'm not worried. How are they going to know unless you tell them? Are you sure you shouldn't be in the infirmary?"

"I'm not telling anyone anything. Having to be put to bed like an injured child ranks right up there with my stunning and numerous nosedives into the dirt this morning, not to mention getting spit on repeatedly. I really hate those animals. You shouldn't have to worry about my pride getting in the way for a long time. It's buried out in that field, good and deep. And no, I don't need to be in the infirmary for a few bruises and pulled muscles. I just need to put a few days between me and this hideous excuse for a day."

Elizabeth pulled the covers back and then helped him ease down to the bed. He groaned as he twisted and pulled to get himself onto the bed and lying down. When he was finally in place, he let out a long deep breath, finally allowing his body to relax into the mattress. Elizabeth spread the blanket up over him, smiling down at her friend and military commander, his lids beginning to droop.

He looked up at her, his eyes half-lidded and unfocused. "Thanks, Lizbuth. You're the best boss I ever had," he said, his words beginning to slur.

She watched him drift off to sleep, grinning at his child-like expression. Definitely the drugs. When she was sure he was asleep, she tucked the covers in around him and made sure he had a bottle of water on the nightstand, along with his pills. She paused in the doorway, taking one more look at her sleeping 2IC before closing the door.

"Good night, sweet knight."

THE END


End file.
